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Just started my second week of teaching here at Forest Home Ojai.  First week went well although I realized my teaching style needs to be changed a bit to connect with Junior High students.  I am constantly amazed at home big a difference there is between incoming 6th graders and incoming 9th graders. 

Have had a great time with the camp staff and hanging out with Chuck Hooten (couldn't link his site as the camp blocks myspace pages).   

Family headed up to Fresno to visit friends for a couple of days so I'm resting, reading and rejuvenating.  :)

Part: 11. Fall in Love with God Again.

Let's all admit one thing.  It's difficult to work in a church.   Every once in a while I find myself dreaming about being a volunteer again.  Showing up when I wanted.  Going to church because it was important to me and a part of my and not just because it was a part of my job.  I sometimes wonder if left up to myself how my relationship with the Church would work out. 

But then there is this realization for me that my relationship with 24-Hour Fitness looks like that.  It's all up to me.  I go when I want (or not at all) and over the last 10 years it's been a constant battle where I don't really feel that I've really figured out how to be consistent.

So for me working in the church is mostly a positive thing. It keeps me grounded, committed, focused and thinking about God each day.

But there is another struggle that at times my faith has become so tied to my job that it really isn't a big part of who I am.  That's the thing that scares me.   When I am in that phase where I open my Bible to prepare a talk or find myself mostly praying about job related stuff.

How to Fall in Love with God again?  Here's a couple thoughts.

1. Realize that youth ministry positions are some of the most flexible you will ever find.  If you can't find time to be alone and spend time with God you need to figure it out.

2. Understand that you having a strong relationship with God ultimately benefits the ministry.  Take time away, find some great books,  look for a mentor. 

3. Find a place you can worship without being a youth pastor.  I don't particularly like going to service at my church (although I do) because it's hard for me to take off my youth pastor hat.  I'm constantly looking for students, parents and other staff members.  I recommend finding something where you are outside of your role. It can be a another worship gathering (on top of your own church one)  a small group or maybe a retreat/camp with some young adults.

4. Commit to God daily.  I get frustrated with myself when I fall into the "everything is important so I'm going to do it all" trap.  Some of us jump into work so early in the day that we end up exhausted by the evening and can't really give God our best.  I recommend figuring out a way to connect with God that isn't left to the (if I have time) category in your life.

Part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3: Perceived vs. Real Needs.
Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.
Part 5: Better Safe than Sued
Part 6: Find friends outside of youth ministry.

Part 7: Stick to it
Part 8: It's not about you
Part 9: What you feed grows. What you starve Dies.
Part 10: Have a life outside of ministry.  Marriage/family/relationships.
Part 11: Fall in Love with God again.

Part 10: Have a life outside of Ministry. Marriage/Family/Relationships

I know I start out a lot of posts by saying this is something I really connect with.  I guess that just happens when I'm passionate about something I'm writing about that I'm living.  This particular area is important to me because I've seen the negative side of not having a life too much in ministry and currently have a big staff of 20-somethings who are in the midst of trying to figure this out.

My first experience with Youth Ministry happened in a camp setting.  A 12 week summer camp in a remote location is probably as far as you can get away from real life.   The camp experience was amazing.  I lived in a cabin with 2 other guys and we pretty much did the same thing every day.  Got up, ate, played games,  had a meeting, ate, took naps in the afternoon, ate, had a meeting, played games, hung out and talked for 3 hours and then slept.   Amazing but not real.  I would love to go back to that life right now but it's just not how real life works.

Some of my best friends are all from that summer at camp but there are also many people I worked with that summer and thought I was really close to that I haven't talked to since. 

Maybe a more transparent story might help:  I met a girl at camp that first summer and we started dating.  That following year I went back to school to finish up my last semester of college.  After that I moved to California and we got engaged.  That summer we both worked at camp together again.  So in the span of just over a year I met someone in a non real world camp experience, dated her long distance for 8 months,  got engaged and then worked at a non real world camp experience again.  Probably not a very good start to a potential marriage.  Anyways God intervened and I felt convicted that we needed to slow down and after we lived in the same state and had real non camp jobs I realized that this wasn't the right situation for me.Sadly several of my "friends" from camp even told me after the fact that they didn't think we should get married. 

Now that I am able to look back on that situation and my first several years in ministry I now know that I needed to be grounded more with people who were outside of the camp/church ministry who could help me realize that much of my life would come crashing down after the summer camp ministry experience was over. I needed to be involved in a young adult ministry having leaders build into me.  I needed a small group of guys who could call me out on my struggles.  It took a little while but I eventually found those things.

Maybe this realization will help:  Most summer camp staff and even entry level ministry positions in churches make very little money.  It's usually not enough to pay for basic things unless you are living at a camp or have your parents still paying for your health care. 

Having no life outside of youth ministry is dangerous.  I've seen too many youth staff and volunteers over the years get into trouble because they haven't figured out how to have boundaries between their personal and ministry lives.  Sadly many of them have no boundaries and students sometimes become their best friends.  I wish I could explain to leaders sometimes that having students over 24/7 is both completely unhealthy and a huge recipe for burnout.

I don't need another burned out leader in any ministry I'm a part of.  If you have vacation days take them.  If you have a day off (under my leadership you will always have 2) go do something.  If you work on your day off and then tell me you're tired and getting burned out I'm not sure what you want me to say. 

This year I had two of my staff members get married.  Both of them have struggled a bit to try to figure out how to do youth ministry now that they are at a different stage in their lives.  I know it hasn't been easy on either of them and they have both taken some negative hits from other people on staff accusing them of "not hanging out with students as much."   It has gotten so bad for one of them that they have even expressed to me that maybe we should hire the "young, single" leader that everyone loves and they'll leave.  I reminded that person that that young single leader is who they were 3 years ago and that they can be just as effective (and maybe more) now that they are forced to put up boundaries and create more balance in their lives. 

Ok I realize this is a long post but let's be honest about this one.   Please love students and families  you are a youth worker because you do.  But, have a real life and real friends outside of work so that you will have a support base and a comfort zone for when things fall apart.  Because fall apart things always do.

Part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3: Perceived vs. Real Needs.
Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.
Part 5: Better Safe than Sued
Part 6: Find friends outside of youth ministry.

Part 7: Stick to it
Part 8: It's not about you
Part 9: What you feed grows. What you starve Dies.
Part 10: Have a life outside of ministry.  Marriage/family/relationships.
Part 11: Fall in Love with God again.

Part 9: What you feed grows what you starve Dies.

Starting out this post with the statement "As a Veteran Youth Worker here's something I think is important" is hard for me to say because I don't want to appear arrogant.  I sometimes feel with my staff that I fall into the "Back in my day we did it this way" sort of talk.  So, this is a huge disclaimer to say I write this filled with humility and holding onto the grace God has granted me in the 15 years I've been doing this thing called Youth Ministry.

As a Veteran Youth worker and believer over the years I've done a lot of work on this last topic.  Sadly I mostly have learned the hard way that my personal walk with the Lord takes a lot of work.   One of the things about youth ministry in the past is that it was so developed on the personality and gifts of particular leaders that often strong healthy spiritual relationships with God were not as important as jeeps, smiles, good hair and flip flops.

Several years ago I had an experience at a church where I was in conversation with one of my supervisors when he told me that my expectation of how much time I needed to prepare for my weekend talks was unrealistic and unnecessary as "he" was able to do it in much less time.   Now this was a guy I respected but I also disagreed with in many areas of ministry.   Probably important to also mention that this was a church where the senior pastor was a phenomenal teacher who talked for at least 45 minutes and had amazing study notes available to read.  Clearly he spent a large portion of his week preparing sermons.  The message that was sent to me in that conversation was that study and prep (to the level I wanted to do) was just not a "value" in the youth department.

My own spiritual walk has often taken on the look of a field.  Sometimes it lies fallow without much too it but then after a lot of work it tends to bloom only to eventually lie fallow again.  I would be lying if I said I had this whole thing figured out.  I could make a lot of excuses about kids, family, job, marriage and all of that but the reality is I still haven't figured out how to be consistent in most things in my life.  I know when I am near the Lord and out of that closeness and connection comes great talks, good writing and a heart that is compassionate and loving.  I'd like to say that's exactly where I am right now but it's not true.  I think the field is growing which is great but also scary because the pattern says it will eventually be fallow again.

In Youth Ministry it's clear that when we feed particular areas growth happens.  If we're focusing on outreach, camps, retreats, activities then often the group will grow but when those things stop or we do something poorley the group will shrink again.  Conversely when we focus on teaching, theology, relationships, missions/service and spiritual growth we see those things grow. 

Balance is probably an overused word but also something that needs to be consistently brought up.  Depending on who you ask you'll always get a differing opinion on the "purpose" of youth ministry.  None of those reasons are wrong but simply fulfilling the felt needs of students, parents or church leaders only gets you so far and neglects other real needs that they don't know how to express. 

So let's pray that if there are areas on our youth ministry (or lives) that are dying that they are dying because we've made the choice to allow them to die and they are not dying because we've simply forgotten to nurish them.

Part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3: Perceived vs. Real Needs.
Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.
Part 5: Better Safe than Sued
Part 6: Find friends outside of youth ministry.

Part 7: Stick to it
Part 8: It's not about you
Part 9: What you feed grows. What you starve Dies.
Part 10: Have a life outside of ministry.  Marriage/family/relationships.
Part 11: Fall in Love with God again.

Part 8: It's not about you

Ok people can we finally admit that the days of the superhero celebrity youth pastor are finally over.  The way ministry was done in the 70's-90's was great and it worked because those were the times that large rally's and "big" celebrity driven youth events were all the rage.  But, those things don't happen anymore and if they do it's usually a specific denominational or event that has withstood the test of time.

Here's the best way I can explain how culturally this shift has happened.  It used to be when I was growing up that when a particular band came out with an album that everyone I knew would go buy it and that's all we would listen to for weeks.  That was back when our only access to music was via radio or stuff we bought.  So big bands became hugely popular and sold a ton of records.  Now days the music industry has been in decline for a long time.  Music is easy to find online, everyone has many different preferences and it seems to be the smaller bands that have specific genres and targeted audiences are doing the bet. 

I connect these two things together simple by saying that as musical genres have exploded and students listen to a ton of different music they are increasingly pulled into smaller and smaller groups.  The superstar youth pastor just can't connect with all the varied tastes and needs of all the students anymore.

So this post is simply about volunteers.  It's been proven time and time again that successful youth ministries are ministries full of volunteers.  I want to go on record and also say that creating a youth ministry that has many volunteers loving and leading students is tough.  It's not an easy task to find volunteers, it's not easy to train them and it's tough to let them do the things that you as the youth pastor used to do all the time.  But, if you want a successful ministry that's not about you you have to move in that direction.

Part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3: Perceived vs. Real Needs.
Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.
Part 5: Better Safe than Sued
Part 6: Find friends outside of youth ministry.

Part 7: Stick to it
Part 8: It's not about you
Part 9: What you feed grows. What you starve Dies.
Part 10: Have a life outside of ministry.  Marriage/family/relationships.
Part 11: Fall in Love with God again.

Part 7: Stick to it

Sometimes I look back on my career in youth ministry and wonder why I've worked at 4 churches. The reality is when I write this post I feel a little guilty because it might seem from my resume that I'm saying something I don't believe in.

I think I can simplify this though by simply explaining my journey and saying that I really have only made one decision to leave a church and go and work elsewhere and that switch didn't work out which made me have to make another one.

My first church Lake Avenue Church gave me an opportunity to intern while I worked full-time as a teacher and went to Fuller Seminary when they asked me to work Full-Time in the youth ministry is was in an interim position where I knew that in a year I would have to find another job. This was a transitional position between the teaching world and the church world.

I served at Bel Air Presbyterian Church for 6 years. This is the church where I grew up as a youth pastor and had some of my best times. I really learned how to be a leader and still consider this to be my home church. The one transition I spoke of earlier was when Danielle and I decided we didn't want to raise our family in Los Angeles and made the decision to leave Bel Air and go to San Diego.

My third church North Coast Calvary Chapel just wasn't a good fit. They knew it and I knew it right away. I was not the person they should have hired. We tried it for just over 2 years and ultimately it was clear that it wasn't the right place for us to do ministry. I love that church, the pastors and the community but it was clear to me that God used me more effectively in the structure of the PCUSA.

The Church I am at now is what I would consider a gift from God. Highland Park Presbyterian Church is a great fit and a place that we see ourselves staying for a long time. I am blessed by my youth staff, the church staff as well as the community. It's a long ways from our family, friends and the beach but so many great opportunities.

So how does "Stick with it" work in my life. It's pretty simple I have several students and families that I have done ministry with for many years. They are mostly all from my church in Los Angeles and I love them, talk to them regularly and visit with them whenever I can. For me "Stick with it" also means that the staff I have worked with at every church are still my friends and we're still doing ministry together just in different locations. "Stick with it" means that I have made the decision that Youth Ministry is what I want to do, it's what I'm called to do and it's what I'm good at doing. It means that every day I wake up wondering how God is going to keep using me to reach students, families, leaders and other churches. It means that as I've gotten older and no longer think "lock-ins" are good ideas that I have transitioned into roles that are different but still important and in youth ministry.

So even though I've had a few places of work I'm still sticking with it. I like to think of it this way. Any student who was ever in any of my youth groups could call me today and could see that I'm still basically doing the same things I've been doing for the last 15 years. I'm still a Youth Guy. I'm still working to make sure all students know that God loves them and that whenever they come back, call, e-mail or text the message stays the same. God loves them and so do I.

Part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3: Perceived vs. Real Needs.
Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.
Part 5: Better Safe than Sued
Part 6: Find friends outside of youth ministry.
Part 8: It's not about you
Part 9: What you feed grows. What you starve Dies.
Part 10: Have a life outside of ministry. Marriage/family/relationships.
Part 11: Fall in Love with God again.

Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.

This last week I met with a group of guys and we talked about pride. The main issue that came up in this conversation was the inability of most men was to admit that they didn't know what they were doing and ask for help. I shared with this group that I have struggled with wanting people to think I had it all together and that my life was figured out. I shared that my first bunch of years in ministry I felt like there was this rule that I had to seem in control with the answers to everything.

In the past couple of years though I feel like I've really had to work through this issue and it's been a great thing. I learned the hard way that being vulnerable is a helpful skill for a pastor to learn. I had a couple situations happen with leaders, students, parents and even family where I had to step up and apologize for the way I had handled things. I had to be vulnerable which was difficult because it made me have to admit I didn't know what I was doing.

As I write this post I'm convicted that I haven't always asked for forgiveness and there are a few situations that I want to go back into and ask for some forgiveness.

Part 1. Parents can either be your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2. You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3. Perceived vs. Real Needs.

YM part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.

Ok so this was ingrained in me at my very first youth ministry job. I was a regional director at a large youth ministry where I had 5 high schools and about 80 kids that were "under my care". We met every other week at a families home in California. The weeks we didn't meet as a full group they met with great small group leaders who loved them and were committed to them. There were a number of student's that I was connected too but there were also a ton that I didn't know very well.

This topic is of particular importance because we as youth workers need to realize that we can't be everything for all students. A huge part of our job needs to be building relationships with outer leaders who can love students and connect with some who we don't connect with. My prayer is always that God would provide amazing leaders for students to connect with and let me lead those leaders.

Read all of this conversation about Youth Ministry.

Part 1. Parents can either be your best friends or worst enemies.

YM part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.

I thought I'd take some time and unpack some of the ideas in the last post. My good friend Don started out his list with the statement that "Parents are your best friends or worst enemies." I've seen this one played out badly too many times in ministry. In quite a few unhealthy youth ministry situations there seems to be an "us against them mentality" that tends to be perpetuated by youth workers who haven't figured out how to partner with parents yet.

In my case I have lived through both scenarios over the years. I've had some amazing relationships with parents who were huge supporters of the ministry. I've also had a number of parents who have gotten more frustrated with me than I thought was possible.

Here's two stories:

Good Story: One of my favorite families of all time was at my church in Los Angeles. The family had 4 kids that eventually came through the youth ministry. My relationship with the parents was very good. We had guys small group in their dining room for about 2 years. When I got to the house each Wednesday I made sure to go and talk to the parents and make sure they knew that I was interested in them and in their family as a whole and not just their kids. My friendship with their family was huge for me especially as some tough issues came up at the church. They were very supportive of me, my family and came to my graduation of Seminary. They have remained great role models for our family as we continually look to them to see how to raise our kids.

Bad Story: One family that I thought I had a good relationship with ended pretty badly as communication broke down between us after a big trip that I took two of their daughters on. Part of it was my fault and I own that but there was a part of the responsibility of their daughters that they didn't own. They were so mad about a situation that happened on a trip where I didn't stop their daughter from getting in her car and driving home. We couldn't work through the problem and they ended up being a huge thorn in my side while I remained at the church.

My suggestion to Youth Workers is to never do ministry without partnering with parents. Know their names. be in their homes, be involved i their family.

My suggestions to Parents. Be involved in the life of the youth worker. Let them be real people though and don't put them on a pedestal. Don't turn them into a superhero. Just let them be who they are and love them as they help you lead your kids closer to Christ. Don't outsource your responsibility as a Christian parent to a youth worker. There jobs are to walk along side you not to take your role.

What we need to know part #2.

My good friend Don Coleman posted a comment on my blog about what Youth Workers need to know and I thought it so good that I decided to repost it so you can read it. If you have any comments feel free to post them here or you can go directly to Don's blog and tell him how smart he is.

1) Parents are your best friends or your worst enemies - it's your choice.

2) You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you - so find volunteers who bring different gifts/talents/passions so you can widen your net.

3) Perceived needs get them in the door, real needs get them out the door - and eventually, they're going out the door, so you better equip them to live in the real world & have their real needs met by Jesus - Pizza parties & broomball aren't all there is.

4) Learn to say "I'm sorry" "I was wrong" "Please help me" - to your boss, to your volunteers & to the kids - sometimes all at once. They'll actually respect you more.

5) Be careful, be safe - dead is dead and no matter how awesome the trip was or how funny the gag, explaining how it ended up in tragedy to a parent just isn't worth it.

6) FIND a circle of friends outside Youth Ministry - friends that remind you you're not as funny as you think, friends that remind you it's ok to take a day off, friends who are mature enough to care about you, for you and not because they have a crush on you or want to grow up to be you.

7) Find a place you fit and stick it out - nothing says Jesus loves you like someone who's around long enough to say it more than once. Longevity is worth its weight in gold.

8) It's not about you. We're all screwed up, but God uses us anyway. Come to grips with this and remember it both when you're successful and when you're afraid you're about to get canned.

9) What you feed grows & what you starve dies. You can't be effective without having your own relationship with Christ. You don't have to be a superstar (see #8) but if you're not growing, you can't model growth. You can't model an active faith if you don't have one and eventually the message will get old.

10) Get married & have kids. Nothing says "I'm a healthy individual" like a spouse and kids - to youth & parents, especially if you're a guy. Give them the evidence that at least one person on the face of the earth will vouch for you. And it helps you create healthy boundaries.

11) Fall in love with God, again.

I just came up with these off the top of my head - I dunno if they're helpful or not, but at 3:57pm on June 10, that's what I'd tell prospective youth leaders.